You Know You Can Say No, Right?
At what point did we have to relearn how to say “no”? I say relearn because no is every toddler’s favorite word. If you ask a toddler, “do you want to go to bed?”, they boldly reply “No!” Or try, “do you want to eat your food?”, and you will loudly hear “No!”
So how did we go from this emphatic no, to “Uh… well… ok, sure”? It seems we went from one extreme to the next. As children, we are taught that it is impolite or rude to tell an adult no. And yes, it can be in certain situations. Oftentimes we are so concerned about our young children embarrassing us by yelling no to someone, that we unconsciously encourage them to appease others or protect other’s feelings by not saying no. Unfortunately, sometimes the lesson of not saying no in childhood goes to the extreme and continues throughout adulthood to a fault.
As we mature, while we hope to be conscious and mindful of our own wants and needs, it can be difficult to say no, and especially if we do not truly know what we want. It can also be difficult to say no if we are people pleasers or do not like conflict. It’s just easier to say yes sometimes. That feels better than disappointing others and having to sit with your own feelings of guilt or shame because you believe you have disappointed someone by telling them no. News Flash: Saying no is an option! Next News Flash: Saying no isn’t the hard part, sitting with your feelings after you say no is the challenge.
Many folks are super stressed or have To-Do lists with an astronomical number of items on it. To that, I say “why?”. When people talk about how busy they are or they wear busyness as a badge of honor, I just assume they like being busy. Otherwise, no is an option. You do not have to be so busy. Yes, everyone is “busy” and has things to do. However, if you are stressed by all the tasks on your plate and enjoyment is lacking, then it’s probably time to start using the word no.
There are 100 ways to say no. Again, can you tolerate your feelings of discomfort after you say no. This might mean having to sit with the idea or truth that someone may be upset with you for saying no. This may mean you have declined an opportunity that might be of benefit and now you have to reconcile your feelings of FOMO. It means sitting through your feelings of angst that everything on your list was not accomplished. It’s managing your feelings about not being seen as easygoing and agreeable. Therefore, saying no is hard.
The good news is, we can practice saying no.
The more we use our “no’s”, the easier it becomes. It also becomes easier to recognize how we feel in the moment and tolerate it.
I once heard a colleague talk about a full body yes and no. She said before you say yes to something, become mindful and ask yourself if it is a full body yes. This means it needs to be a yes from your head all the way down to your little toe. If it is a half body yes, then we probably need to say no or decline. This is a good scale to use when making significant decisions. This can also help prevent resentment. If you engage in a task and determine it’s a full body yes, then regardless the outcome, you can sleep easier because it is something you fully agreed to. The flip side, if you engage in the task and it was only a half body or one-fourth body yes, then the task will feel burdensome and you will likely resent it, regardless how it turns out. When you engage in activities without a full body yes, you find yourself saying things like, “I’m too busy for this”, “I don’t have time to do this”, or “this is a waste of my time” while doing the activity. We also may be short or annoyed with individuals involved in the task. That is unfortunate because it boils down to the fact, we had no business signing up for the task.
So how do we say no? We do want to incorporate a lesson we learned as a child, be polite. We can politely say no and without offending someone. That’s called being assertive, stating your needs without offending others. Sometimes we can take assertiveness to the far end of the spectrum and become aggressive. I’ve seen this done when someone may not be comfortable saying no so, they build themselves up to do it and come in a little too hot. This is the person who is saying no while giving themselves a pep talk. If someone asks if they can take on another assignment at work, they respond “no, it’s time for me to start taking care of me. I’m tired of everyone asking me to do things for them. It’s my time. Shondra said it was her year of yes, well it’s my year of no!”. Ok, no monologue needed. Now the whole office is looking at you sideways. Less is more sometimes. Also, with that rant, you’ve made the problem be people asking you to do things. The real concern, however, is why did you keep saying yes. This leads us to the first step in saying no.
1. Focus on Yourself. It is no one else’s responsibility to ensure you are not overwhelmed or stretched thin. It is also unfair to put that expectation on someone else and will lead you to being disappointed. Only you know your threshold. And quite frankly, if you never display a threshold, then others will not know when enough is enough for you. When saying no, what you communicate only needs to reflect you. You do not need to point out how others have taken advantage of you or how it’s a new day and you no longer say yes to everything. Simply state your no and say it loudest with action.
2. Be Mindful of Your Feelings. You can want to help others and still say no. You can feel bad about saying no, and still say no. Conditions do not have to be perfect to say no. There is a good opportunity to self-reflect after saying no and sit with your feelings. Part of sitting with your feelings is identifying how you feel and having rational perspective about your choice. For instance, you may feel bad that you could not serve on the latest nonprofit board because of your many existing obligations. Your feelings might include being sad, disappointed, and regretful. However, rational mind is very aware there is no time to be on another board and you would not be able to fully invest and be of service as you desire. We can sit with all those feelings and let them coexist together. We do not have to choose one or the other or try to talk ourselves into one position or out of another. Wise Mind says, “I see you feelings and know you must feel disappointed, however, you would not be able to show up as your best self by taking on another obligation”. Find your inner wise voice. We all have one.
3. Practice Saying No. And start small. Start with things that do not matter as much, like when work buddies ask if you want to go grab lunch. Just say no for the heck of it to practice. Again, you do not have to feel comfortable or confident in order to say no. Right now, we’re faking it until we make it. Start saying no, and eventually your comfort level will increase. Along with practicing saying no, really begin to tap into your own consciousness and what you do want. This is an opportunity to be decisive.
4. Have a Few Go To’s. Sometimes having a script of literal ways to say no can make it easier. We all have different personalities and express no differently. Again, be polite and non-offensive. A few one liners could be: No thanks, I’m good; you guys go on without me, thanks anyway; you know, that’s just not something I’m interested in, y’all have fun; thank you for considering me for this opportunity, I take pride in my work quality and know accepting this new opportunity would not allow me to produce the quality of work I expect out of myself; wow that sounds amazing and like a great opportunity for you, I will have to decline because it doesn’t work out for me at this time, I wish you the best. You can even use humor, as long as you are clear, such as “yeah, that’s gonna be a no for me”. With humor, however, make sure your message is communicated clearly. There is a saying I find to be very true: to be unclear is unkind.
Moving forward, practice saying no by utilizing these four tips. And remember, you know you can say no, right? If you find sitting with your feelings to be significantly uncomfortable and the discomfort prevents you from setting boundaries, I encourage you to seek professional resources or counseling with a licensed professional.
We released an episode about this very subject on Lady And The Couch, a podcast centering on women’s wellness, mental health, and relationships. Listen to the full episode here!