No, It’s Not Okay
Stop Saying It’s Okay and Start Telling People How You Feel
As a woman, how many times has a guy been late for a date and you said “oh, it’s okay”? Or maybe he said something or did something to you that made you feel, side eye, some type of way. But instead you didn’t address it and you let it slide all in an attempt to be non- confrontational, submissive, nice, and everything else society says you are supposed to be.
Or maybe it was a family member or friend that said something about your weight, your appearance, your job, or another aspect of your life. And again, you let it slide; not addressing it and simply telling yourself “this is just how she is”, not wanting to cause “drama” or be “extra”. You may have let it go all to keep the peace or respect your elders. However, you are now venting to a friend about the interaction and dreaming up all the things you should’ve said.
In the meantime, you still never told that guy, family member, or friend how you felt. Instead, you dismissed your true feelings which conflicted with your action of letting it go. Now, you feel all anxious and upset inside and are ready to explode or avoid and just cut that person off. Exploding and avoiding don’t tend to work in our favor. We don’t resolve our feelings and others are left bewildered and confused wondering, “dang, where’d that come from?”. It probably would’ve been easier to just share our feelings and needs.
As women, we can sometimes be overly concerned with everyone else’s feelings and emotional well-being. We nurture and sometimes go out of our way to avoid offending others or making them upset. All the while, our needs go unmet and resentment builds.
Let’s try something a little different. Stop saying “it’s okay” and overlooking your feelings. If you dismiss your feelings, others will too. We teach people how to treat us. It’s time to assert yourself and address your needs.
Here are 3 Tips on How to Assert Yourself:
- Be Aware of Your Body Language and Make Eye Contact
Fifty-five percent of communication is body language. Present yourself as confident by making eye contact even if you don’t feel confident. Avoid frowning, rolling your eyes, pointing, and talking with your hands. Avoid unnecessary laughing or smiling as your concerns won’t be taken seriously. Work to maintain a neutral facial expression. Don’t cross your arms or legs as it signals that you are closed off. Instead, rest your hand in the front or the side of you. Maintain regular eye contact when speaking, don’t look down, or around in the sky.
- Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements allows for you to express your feelings in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational, or accusatory way. “I” statements help minimize defensiveness in the other person, keeps the conversation moving along, and allows for positive change. It also shows ownership for how you feel instead of placing blame on others.
Components of an “I” statement: I feel_ (emotion)__when you ___(behavior)__. I would like (what you want from that person).
Example: I feel disappointed when you don’t keep your word and don’t follow through. I would like for you to communicate with me and tell me when you are unable to do something.
- Be in Charge of Your Feelings
If you feel too emotional, step away and wait to talk to that person. Address your feelings with the individual when you are fully able to speak without becoming aggressive or shut down. Take a few deep breaths before engaging to relax. At any time during the discussion, you can take a moment to gather yourself if need be. What you feel and have to say is important and valid and should be heard. Make sure it is heard and not overshadowed by emotional theatrics.
Practice these tips with your friends or in the mirror until you become confident!
The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.