You’re So Judgmental

Judgement. This is a concept encountered often in the therapy room. In the therapy room, we discuss judgement a bit differently than in the real world. So much so, many do not recognize it as judgment but rather a way of being. So, what does judgment look like from a therapeutic reference compared to the real world? Real world judgment can be “oh my gosh, they’re drunk, they must be an alcoholic” or “their shoes are dirty, I bet they can’t work and earn money”. It is petty and gossipy. It is frivolous and has no bearing on anyone’s life. In the therapy room, judgment can be as simple as “I slept in later than I wanted. That’s bad and I’m so lazy”. This statement is more powerful than we know. We have judged and designated ourselves as having a perceivably negative trait, laziness.

 

Ultimately, therapeutic judgement is labeling behaviors or giving them a designation such as right or wrong or good or bad. We judge ourselves and our actions throughout the course of a day. The judgment is typically negative. With judgment, there is a need to label our actions and interactions. For some, this is done to ensure self-improvement. For others, it is habitual. It does not serve us well, however. It is not necessary and usually does not motivate us. It just makes us feel bad.

 

Some of the negative side effects of using judgment include:

 

• It is an unhealthy cycle. Those who self-judge often judge others and those who judge others often judge themselves. I have had people say they often feel judged. After further exploring, we identify they in fact judge others, and more importantly judge themselves. They then project the notion that others are judging them because they are judging themselves. Because you believe others are judging you, though you are likely projecting your judgement of yourself onto others, you begin to perform in interactions so that you can decrease negative judgment. An example of this cycle could be someone feeling self-conscious about their public speaking and telling themselves “I sound stupid when I speak in public, I’m really bad at it”. Now when you must speak in public, you assume your audience is thinking “she sounds stupid and should never speak in public again”. This then affects your mood negatively and behavior regarding how you show up for the engagement.

 

• We live in our head. Because we self-judge, we are trying to navigate and conduct ourselves in a way to receive favorable judgment. It is hard to just be when we are constantly critiquing. I know someone who writes and directs films. Unfortunately for them, they cannot just watch a movie for enjoyment. They are critiquing the script, acting, direction, scene setup, editing, and more. To the untrained eye watching purely for entertainment, they will rate a movie an A, but he will give it a C-. This is how life is living in our head. We cannot just enjoy the moment and life as it is happening. We are measuring and judging everything which really takes away from living and enjoyment. It is binding and there is no freedom. Many summarize the outcome of living in their head as “I’m just tired”.

 

• It is exhausting and with a poor return on investment. There is little to no benefit of self-judging. It only creates a poor outcome. It does not make us better. It just constantly points out what we feel we need to be doing better or differently.

 

Instead of self-judgment, let’s try to be observers of our world instead of critics. Let’s be objective instead of subjective about our experiences. Caution, this can create a mundane existence where everything “just is”. I often provide an example of living a life with and without judgment. To do so, I take a simple object on my desk and illustrate. Let’s take a laptop and look at a life without judgement.

 

This is a laptop. It is grey. It has grey buttons. The screen can adjust. The screen is scratched. It has a mouse pad. Dell is written on the laptop. I like the laptop.

 

As you can see, this is an objective observation of the laptop. If we placed this laptop in a packed arena and asked the audience if this was indeed a laptop, if it had Dell written on it, if the screen was scratched and could adjust, then everyone present could objectively agree yes. The goal is to state the facts. Facts can only be observed with our senses (touch, smell, taste, sight, sound). We can, however, describe the consequences of the facts and our own feelings in response to the facts when practicing nonjudgment, for example “I like the laptop”. Now, let’s look at a life with judgement.

 

This is a laptop. It’s small and cute, kind of. It has grey buttons, but like a really light grey to where it’s almost white. I don’t know why they just didn’t make them white. Maybe because white gets dirty quick. But my grey laptop keys are getting dingy. I can still see stains. The screen is cracked so that looks really bad. I need a new laptop. The screen can adjust, but it’s not good because it could break maybe.

 

If we were to ask the audience in the arena if the laptop was small and cute or if it looked really bad, some would say yes, and others would say no. It is subjective. It is judgment. Even if it’s “good” judgment, such as the laptop being cute, it is not needed. After judging and critiquing the laptop, I want to throw it away because it does not seem appealing anymore.

 

This is what judgment does. It makes us feel a way about something, that could otherwise be neutral. To keep unwanted and unhelpful feelings from clouding our judgment, move into objectivity. In this space, you will find yourself saying, “it just is”. When life happens, such as not getting the job you interviewed for, it does not have to be labeled as a good or bad thing, it just is.

 

We can be cognizant of what is and is not working in our lives and non-judgmental. Being non-judgmental or objective can give us better insight than judgment alone. For instance, if you have a big work presentation and do not prepare and therefore are not able to give a fluid presentation or accurately answer questions about the material, then we can objectively reflect on this without judgement. The reflection would be “I did not prepare for my presentation. I did not know the answer to questions asked after my presentation. I do not like this feeling of not being able to answer questions about my presentation. I will prepare next time”. Facts about the situation are being stated vs judgment which might attack our character. Removing judgment does not absolve us of accountability. It is more direct and removes the self-attacking that negatively affects our mood.

 

It is important to note that using nonjudgment does not mean to go about the world without schemas or opinions. Yes, we know murder is not okay. We want to discriminate and not evaluate. To discriminate is to discern and see the consequences. To evaluate is to judge something as good or bad, valuable, or not. Evaluations are something we add to the facts and are not part of the factual reality. “Good” and “bad” are never observed or experienced with our senses. They are qualities the observer places on things.

 

As you go about your day, be observers and active participants in all that is happening. Being objective might become a bit boring, however, your emotions and self-esteem will thank you.

 

The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.