Your Apology Sucks!
7 Tips to Effectively Say “I’m Sorry”
Have you ever witnessed two small children accidentally hurt each other, apologize, and move forward? It’s the most remarkable, yet uneventful moment to watch. Remarkable because the child can easily recognize when they have hurt someone and instantly try to repair, uneventful, because the situation is immediately resolved after the apology and the children instantly move forward. No lingering drama or resentment involved. How could something young children effortlessly do be so difficult for adults? Easy, young children don’t have the ego, defensiveness, or guilt that adults have developed over their years.
As I watch my favorite guilty pleasure reality TV shows, I see the same type of apologies happening and I cringe each time I hear it. You know, the good ol’ “I’m sorry IF I offended you…” or “I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings, BUT…”. What kind of sorry apology is that?! If that’s the best you’ve got, keep it. Apologies should not be conditional, “if”, or negating, “but”. Apologies should be intentional, an expression of regret, and an attempt to repair.
The word “if” is conditional, there’s no certainty. Without certainty, how can you be intentional and sincere with your apology. The “If” apology is like a catch-all, all-the-above, “ok, I said it now let it go” apology and it won’t stick. The fact that the person apologizing says “if” means they do not truly know what they did to offend someone and there is likely no regret. In time, the offense will surely happen again because the apologizer was not fully committed to acknowledging how they might have hurt someone. This type of apology exudes ego and that you do not care enough to find out how you hurt someone. As if there is a refusal to admit to doing or being wrong. Sometimes it is even taken one step further to the ultimate low-down apology “I’m sorry IF YOU FEEL I…”. Shots fired! So now the person’s feelings are unreasonable or difficult to understand? The apology now becomes condescending and belittling. The person being apologized to does not feel heard or that the apologizer truly understands and is sorry.
The word “but” negates everything that comes before it, including the apology. Want to see someone deflate or become irritated, throw a “but” in your apology. Using “but” also lessens the apologizers accountability because it creates a reason for their bad behavior, whereas an apology just needs expression of regret for the bad behavior, not excuses. Oftentimes with the “But” apology, the person being apologized to somehow ends up getting blamed or being the cause of the apologizers’ bad behavior. The situation is unresolved and will likely happen again. This type of apology comes from a defensive stance and need to deflect accountability. It’s almost like a frantic attempt to avoid consequences and escape the feelings of guilt. The person being apologized to might now begin to question what they did wrong or diminish their own feelings, which can lead to feelings of resentment.
There are ways to apologize so that genuine regret is expressed, the person being apologized to feels heard and respected, and the apologizer walks away with dignity. These seven helpful tips on how to apologize will help you sustain and repair relationships of all types.
1. Seek Clarity About Your Actions. To avoid giving the lazy “If” apology, understand what it is you did wrong. Ask questions if needed to seek clarity about your actions. You must truly care about resolving the issue and making amends for clarity seeking to occur. You must also care enough to not commit the offense again and cause harm. Once you get clarity, try just saying, “I’m sorry I ____ and made you feel ____”. If an “if” is needed, then you don’t really know if you offended someone and an apology may not even be needed. You cannot change your offensive behavior and repair relationships until you know exactly what it is you have done to hurt someone.
2. Listen, No Really Listen. Understanding what you did to offend someone involves humbling yourself and really hearing them. Oftentimes, when we hear someone’s complaints about us, we are in defense mode and instead of listening, we are thinking about our rebuttal. Really listen to the person and hear how your actions have affected them. Allow yourself to feel and be empathetic to their experience. Remember, you may not agree with how they feel, but it is how they feel. And if someone tells you how they feel, then there is no room for “if I made you feel…”, because you are clear as to how you offended them.
3. Apologizing Doesn’t Mean You Are Wrong. When you apologize it does not always mean that you are wrong. Apologies are sometimes needed because of actions derived from good intentions. Sometimes the execution of good intentions creates the problem. Many times, you may hear someone say, “they’re not wrong in what they said, but how they said it was offensive”. A poor apology in this scenario would be “I’m sorry for how I came off, BUT that was the only way I knew to handle it”. Here, “lack of knowledge” now becomes the scapegoat and lessens the person’s ownership. A better example of an apology with this scenario is “I’m sorry for how I came off and for making you feel ________.” Period. The end.
4. Apologize, Only If You Really Mean It. The hallmark of a sincere apology is you must care. It needs to matter to you that you have offended someone and there must be a concerted effort to make it right. Apologies are sometimes flippant because the person does not care and therefore is not sorry. If that is your stance, then don’t apologize. Nothing beats a sorry apology than a repeated apology for the same transgression. If you apologize and you really don’t mean it, you will find yourself continuously apologizing as you will continue the same offensive behaviors. The apologizer could further explore their lack of empathy and the offended should evaluate their relationship with the offender.
5. Take Ownership of Your Behavior. When you apologize, it is all about you and your actions. Statements that begin with “I” should pretty much be all you communicate. Refrain from “You” statements, as that begins to turn the table to focus on the behavior of the offended, which is not conducive in an apology. Focusing on yourself, not only creates an awareness and accountability for your offensive behaviors, it also allows the offended to feel safe and speak openly and honest with you without fear they will be blamed for your bad behavior.
6. Do It for You Too. An apology can be just as beneficial to the apologizer as the person receiving the apology. There is something freeing in acknowledging you messed up and are mature enough to make it right. No one is perfect, and we have all offended someone at some point in our lives. Many times, the aftermath of the offense becomes greater than the offense because it was not swiftly put to rest with a genuine apology. Release yourself from the guilt and stress of knowing you have wronged someone and make it right.
7. Don’t Do It Again. Now that you’ve sincerely apologized for your offensive behavior, stay in good graces and don’t reoffend. Life happens, no ones perfect, however, now that you know exactly how you have hurt someone, be super careful to avoid doing it again. Nothing shows a more sincere apology or that you care more than considering the person’s feelings by not recommitting the same transgressions.
It takes maturity, empathy and a huge slice of humble pie to offer a genuine apology. It is always worth it to swallow your pride and suppress your ego a tad to prevent destroying any type of relationship or to reconcile a relationship. If offenses were swiftly resolved with genuine apologies on reality TV, there wouldn’t be much to watch. Our lives are filled with purpose and meaningful relationships that are not scripted or meant for others’ entertainment. So, do what a young child would do when they hurt a friend on the playground; apologize, pick the friend up and help dust them off, and then go continue to play.
The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.