09
Oct
Why Are Breakups So Hard?
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By Autumn Collier, LCSW
OMG, I’m in love. This is typically where the script for a difficult breakup recovery starts. Love is amazing and something we are meant to experience. It is an essential need as humans and whether we verbalize it or not, something we all desire. Unfortunately, when the relationship of our dreams ends, especially on a sour note, it can be very difficult to overcome.
There are many unspoken promises created by a relationship. For instance, one of the partners in the relationship may feel the promise of never being lonely because they have the relationship. Another partner may feel the promise of having a forever confidant. While the partners never verbalize these promises, the euphoria of love can make them feel as if they are promises made to one another. These unspoken promises are awfully hard to let go of if the relationship does not last.
One of the biggest factors that make it hard to get over a breakup is the fantasy factor. While in a relationship, individuals tend to fantasize about the future and what could be. People fantasize about the unspoken promises and how they will forever be met by the relationship. The dreams of commitment, a family, children if desired, financial security and stability all enter the fantasy and create a beautiful visual. The thing about fantasies, however, is that they are always better than reality. The fantasy rarely includes room for error or human nature. The fantasy holds our attention and allows us to overlook reality, even if reality is filled with red flags. Hence why hindsight is 20/20. After the fact, we are no longer operating in the fantasy and can see reality a bit more clearly.
We often confuse getting over an individual with getting over a relationship. We tend to think we have to get over our partner, but in reality, we have to get over the relationship which includes the unspoken promises and fantasy. That is the most difficult part to get over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure your partner was great and had many wonderful attributes, however, your broken heart is bigger than missing that individual. You are having to grieve the fantasy being with that individual created and accept current reality. You are also having to heal from the unspoken broken promises which can feel like a betrayal.
The idea of two people both agreeing to progress in a relationship and work towards a stronger level of commitment sounds amazing. Then for it to end leaves one feeling betrayed and shattered and possibly even wondering “what happened?”. The end of a relationship is a loss and for some, the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may be applicable which include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Not only does one have to accept the death of a fantasy or dream life, a breakup also confronts individuals with loneliness. Loneliness is a painful feeling for some because you feel disconnected from others. The relationship was the antidote for loneliness and now that the relationship has ended, loneliness is ever present. Efforts to avoid loneliness are also how unhealthy relationships continue or how unhealthy relationships initiate. It is important to remind yourself that more than missing the individual, you miss the fantasy of the relationship and the unspoken promises the relationship provided. Remembering this can help reframe unhealthy thoughts such as “I’ll never find another person like them” or “they were the best thing that ever happened to me”, as it places too much emphasis on the ex-partner and makes them larger than life when they are after all, just human. Instead, it is healthier to acknowledge your fears around losing the fantasy such as “I’m afraid to be lonely” or “I’m scared to get back in the dating pool, it was just easier being in a relationship”. Acknowledging the latter allows us to take ownership of our feelings and address them appropriately vs placing our feelings and future in the hands of the ex-partner and relying on them to solve the problem.
In addition to loneliness, some people feel ashamed that the relationship did not last and are embarrassed or feel like a failure that it ended. These feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and shame make it difficult to get over the breakup as well. These feelings may promote negative self-talk such as “something is wrong with me, I can’t keep a relationship” or “everyone’s gonna wonder what’s wrong with me when they hear another relationship failed”. On top of the loss, self-criticism can put us in a saddened or depressed emotional state which worsens the pain of a breakup. If the breakup was your fault (i.e. cheating, betrayal, etc.), then accept the consequence and work to be better. If the breakup ended without fault or it was not your fault, then let’s practice acceptance around the idea that this was not your forever person and that is okay. The longer you are with your “not forever person”, you are just prolonging or delaying your interpersonal growth needed to meet your forever person. Every interaction and relationship we have can promote growth within us, however, don’t linger. Take your lesson and keep moving.
While grieving the fantasy of the relationship, it will be difficult. You will be confronted with your loss during holidays, engagements and weddings, job promotions, while watching your favorite show you and your partner watched, and a hundred other instances. The healing of a broken heart cannot be rushed, and it will be healed if allowed to heal properly. Just like with a broken bone, if not allowed to heal properly and the limb is used before fully healed, more injury can occur, and the new injury is now more significant than the original injury. Take time to grieve the loss of a relationship and come to a level of acceptance that your fantasy can still come true, however, the players in the fantasy may be different.
If you are having a significantly difficult time getting over a breakup, I encourage you to seek counseling and process your feelings in a safe place. Many people suffer in silence over breakups because they are ashamed to share how hurt they are and don’t want others to know the impact their ex-partner is having over them. Again, the emotions tied to the breakup are bigger than the ex-partner. There is nothing shameful about acknowledging that you dreamed of a life for yourself and saw that life happening with a particular individual. There is also nothing shameful about acknowledging that the life once dreamed about with a particular individual will not be happening and that the fantasy or dream is under construction for reimaging.
The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.