This Is Good For Me
Often, we try to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. That’s human nature, right? Why endure things we do not like? Avoidance can be a self-protective measure, or at least that is how we justify avoiding things that make us feel anything but pleasure. However, the outcome is not long-term resilience. In fact, it can be the exact opposite of resilience.
Recently I went to a mental health summit that particularly focused on mental health and youth. One of the speakers shared about anxious parenting. I won’t go too in depth regarding the parenting piece; however, the speaker made an insightful illustration. She asked the audience to raise their hand if they were allowed to play outside without direct supervision. The entire audience of adults raised their hand. Then, we were asked to question ourselves as to how we felt about our children playing outside without supervision. Let’s just say, the thought made me clutch my pearls. Sure, we can justifiably say “but it’s different nowadays.” Our parents and their parents said that too. We live in an anxious society and have learned to cope by avoidance. As a result, resilience to stressors is greatly impaired.
Overtime we have conditioned ourselves to not only have lower tolerance or resilience to discomfort, but to believe that we cannot manage discomfort or handle displeasure. Instead of being okay with situations that are unfavorable we avoid them. And nowadays especially, we don’t just avoid, we justify our avoidance. We justify avoiding situations, environments, and challenges by stating “I’m setting a boundary” or “I’m protecting my space.” Or we will call something toxic because we do not like the way it makes us feel. Because we have labeled it toxic, our avoidance is justified.
As we continue with this behavior, we become less and less resistant.
Each generation likes to talk about how the generation after them is “soft”, or essentially less resilient. While it is accurate to some degree, we won’t label it as good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. The sentiment of each generation being less resilient is supported by the facts of technological evolution. We do not have to be exposed to some of the same threats generations before us were exposed to. Technology has allowed life to become a bit easier and we have other alternatives instead of having to endure significant challenges.
So yes, because of life advancing, we likely have become less resilient to certain challenges, though, today’s world presents a new set of challenges prior generations were not built for. We live in a world where if we don’t like something, we oftentimes have alternatives. If we do not like the school our kid goes to, we can pull them out. If we do not like any school our child attends, we can homeschool. If we do not like our boss, we can go online and look for another job. If we do not like the service at one restaurant, we can hop in our car and drive less than a quarter of a mile to another. We have more access and more options or choices which contributes to us not having to sit with something that we don’t like.
While we honor an individual‘s right to choose to not endure distress and to find other options, we do encourage us to be able to increase our resilience to things we do not like.
It is very easy to get in the habit of avoiding and running away from things that make us uncomfortable.
As a result, it is difficult for us to plant seeds or a strong foundation somewhere because we do not stay long enough. One thing is inevitable, and that is wherever you go, no matter the job you have, or the relationship you are in, there will be challenges. Instead of running from those challenges or trying to avoid them, be encouraged to increase your tolerance to the challenges.
This does not mean sit through and endure harmful circumstances or threatening situations that pose a risk to safety. Here, we are talking about discomfort and inconveniences. We are talking about things that do not always make us feel awesome or that makes us challenge our gifts and talents. We challenge everyone to increase their tolerance and resilience to distress or to stressful circumstances. We want to build our muscle of resilience to be able to manage life effectively and to build our self-confidence to know that we can handle difficult things and be okay. Being able to tolerate distress can also have long-term gains such as a positive outlook on life, improved self-confidence, and increased self-efficacy, which is the belief in ourselves that we can do things.
There is a simple one liner we introduce to clients as a mindful way to manage distress. An individual might share their experience and the stress response they are having and even how it ties to deeper distress. We simply share with them, “this is good for me.”
This is good for me.
Meaning, the situation currently experienced is difficult and stressful and this is good for me. One may think, “how could this be good for me, life is not going the way I want it?” It is good because life will not go the way we want it 100% of the time and we must be able to manage when it does not go as planned. Disappointments will continue to happen, and we want to build our muscles of resilience so that we can stay the course. The best way to build the muscle of distress tolerance is to literally experience distress while managing our feelings and emotions.
It is just like building the actual muscles in our body. The only way to build the muscle is to work it through exercise, weightlifting, or strength training. It is not an easy process and our muscles do become fatigued. Yet, they continue to grow and build the more we work them out and 10-pound dumbbells that were once too heavy, feel very light and easily manageable. Another benefit of “this is good for me” is more practical in nature. By staying and managing the distress, it allows us to reflect on our role in the distress or spotlight areas of growth whereas avoiding does not create an opportunity for reflection. The example of strengthening our physical muscles is a metaphor for the process that happens within regarding our resilience and tolerance to distress.
When faced with distress, we encourage everyone to practice taking a deep breath in through the nose and as you exhale through the mouth say, “this is good for me.” In the moment, the stress or challenge might feel unbearable, and you will tell yourself it is easier to retreat, run, or get out of there. Don’t run, don’t retreat. Stay in the ring and prove to yourself that you can handle it. It is the only way to strengthen your muscle of resilience. So instead of viewing challenges as the worst thing ever, try the calming reframe, this is good for me.