That S%^& Don’t Work No More 

Recognizing Coping Skills and Messages That are No Longer Serving You

By Autumn Collier, LCSW

I once read that current problems or dysfunction are failed solutions. Interesting. It actually makes sense. The ways we once knew to resolve problems are no longer working. Our coping skills that once helped alleviate the problem are no longer serving us and have become unhealthy. Unfortunately, many of these unhealthy coping skills and messages get passed down generation after generation. The intent was never to harm future generations. It was simply, “this is what I did to get by, and my mom and her mom did the same thing”. It becomes the norm, and so much so, the unhealthy coping skill is never seen as unhealthy or no longer beneficial. It oftentimes takes a significant event or third party to point out that the current way of functioning or coping isn’t serving anyone.

 

There was a parable once told about generations of women that used a particular cooking method when preparing chicken. They would cut the bird in half and place one-half of the bird in a pan passed down generation after generation and discard the other half. This technique was passed down for generations to the women in the family. Eventually, a youthful daughter asked her mother why they discard half the chicken and the mother replied because the pan they use is not big enough for the whole chicken. The daughter replied, “why don’t we just use a bigger pot”.

 

This parable shows that at one time, maybe cutting the chicken in half was necessary and a solution to the problem of not having a big enough pan to cook chicken. However, as life has evolved, other options are available and cutting the chicken in half is no longer beneficial, it’s actually wasteful and serves no one. As creatures of habit, we do what we know to do and what we’ve always done, even if it doesn’t work.

 

Let’s look at some of the top offenders that have been passed down for generations.

 

• You Have to Be Strong. Can someone please define “strong”? When something significantly difficult happens to someone, people often try to give words of encouragement or advice by saying “you have to be strong”. To “be strong” is often perceived as needing to be stoic, not think about what has happened, and to just keep pressing on. People are even commended for “being strong” during difficult times as you will hear others say, “she held it together and didn’t even cry” or “she keep moving and didn’t skip a beat”. While no one desires to fall apart and let life overtake them, when difficult times occur, it is okay to acknowledge and express hurt and pain. Just because we hold it in or look “strong” doesn’t mean we don’t feel the pain or that we are not falling apart on the inside. It benefits others more than ourselves to “be strong”. By not expressing difficult and painful emotions, others are not made to feel uncomfortable, as they likely would not know what to do with those difficult emotions and that would somewhat burden them. So yes, it’s easier for them to see you hold it together. There was a time when the message to be strong was needed and probably helpful to some. Take the Civil Rights Movement for example. There was a stoicism needed to push through and times were so difficult that if you weren’t “strong”, then your chance for survival or a decent quality life was minimized. While there are other challenges faced today, the simple message to “be strong” does not encourage or motivate as maybe it once did and sends the message to just keep it all in and not deal with the strong emotions so that one may remain stoic. Living this way not only disturbs our emotional wellness, it also has negative effects on our physical health as well (i.e. high blood pressure, heart attack, etc.).

 

• No Point in Talking About Your Problems… Many people can finish this sentence…” because talking about them won’t make em go away”. The takeaway of this message is when crap happens, just take it and deal with it. This message is defeating and hopeless. It also gives us permission to become victims of circumstance and not even try to advocate for ourselves. There was a time when individuals had limited rights and there was no change in sight. Fortunately, trailblazers in multiple human rights movements didn’t succumb to this belief. Even if no immediate change will or can happen, it is beneficial to share your feelings and what you are going through. It allows us to vent and release those toxic feelings and maybe even get a word of encouragement or be helpful to someone else because we have shared.

 

• What Goes On In This House… That’s right, “stays in this house”. Say this out loud a few times and it starts to sound suspect. I get how this came about as there was a time when certain cultures had to be secretive for survival. And culture aside, sometimes children can miscommunicate what is happening in one’s home and create great suspicion from others. Over the years, however, this message has become harmful. It creates a level of secrecy and caution even if all is well and okay. This message teaches young people that we do not share with others and others are not to be trusted. It creates a barrier between the individual and the world. While no one wants their kids to blab about everything that happens in their home, this message should be replaced and more explanation about private matters (i.e. your big sister started her menstrual cycle or mom and dad found out their high school senior was having sex with their peer significant other) should be given. The original message may even cause some to question if something shameful was occurring in their home or if they are shameful.

 

• Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard. This is a quick one-liner parents often say to their kids and those kids grow up and tell their kids the same thing. But what exactly are we saying to children when we say this? It sounds like we are saying your thoughts and opinions do not matter and definitely do not need to be heard. Well, this sounds like a self-esteem killer. This young child now grows into an adult that has a difficult time being decisive and establishing their own opinions. They don’t readily know what they feel or think and believe their thoughts and feelings are not valid or worthy of being shared. This message was once used to keep children in line but does not appear to be serving anyone. It was a cute, catchy one-liner someone made up, however, it is simply not true. All people should be seen and heard. No one signs up to be a parent that oppresses their child and silences them, however, that’s kind of what this message does.

 

• Tears Are a Sign of Weakness. Oh, I thought they were just another form of expression and communication. Many generations have been told to stop crying and wipe your tears, especially boys (which is a whole other blog itself). This creates a lack of comfort with vulnerability and teaches us to hide or hold in vulnerable emotions or expressions such as crying. I’ve heard adults say they’ve avoided conversations or situations that may become difficult because they did not want to end up crying and appear “weak”. Crying is a form of expression and is not restricted to sad emotions. Of course, no one wants to walk around weeping all the time, however, expressing vulnerability via tears is healthy and takes a great deal of courage, not weakness.

 

While these messages have been passed down for generations, the good news is you can change your family’s message starting right now. Replace the unhealthy coping skills and messages in your life with relevant beneficial messages and skills. If you are stuck and do not know how to replace the unhealthy coping skills, seek professional help as it sometimes takes a third party to help identify and replace the unhealthy coping skills and messages.

 

The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.