Stop Mind Reading

By Autumn Collier, LCSW

We all do it and you may be surprised it has an actual name, Mind Reading that is. Mind Reading is a term most licensed mental health professionals are familiar with. It is further explored as a component of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Mind Reading might look like “everyone else got their invitation to the party on Tuesday, but I didn’t get mine until Friday. She probably wasn’t going to invite me but someone she really wanted to be there couldn’t make it so she figured I could come”. Or it might be, “everyone’s looking at my outfit because they think it’s ugly”. Or while in a work meeting, “I just fumbled over my words, they probably think I’m stupid or don’t know what I’m talking about”. Does any of this sound familiar? Probably, because we all do it.

 

Mind Reading is a distorted way of thinking. It is a misperception that unfortunately creates an emotion. Mind Reading involves predicting you know what someone else is thinking when you realistically do not. This thought distortion can occur in many relationship settings and commonly occurs between romantic partners. Here is an example of Mind Reading in a romantic relationship; “he said he didn’t want to hang out tonight, he must be getting tired of me”. While we all Mind Read from time to time, any thought distortion used in overdrive is detrimental. After all, it is a thought distortion, a distorted and irrational way of thinking. It is unhealthy. 

 

The way we are wired, our emotions are a result of the way we look at or think about things. The premise of Cognitive Behavior Therapy is that it is not life’s events that make us feel a way, it is what we tell ourselves or think about the events that makes us feel a way. Two people may respond to divorce very differently based on what they chose to think about it. One individual’s response was “I’ll never rebound, everyone will think I’m a failure, no one else will ever want me, people are probably saying…”. A lot of mind reading going on. As a result, this individual feels depressed and even worthless. The other individual responded to their divorce with this thought process, “my divorce sucks and I know this is part of my journey. We were not good for each other and I am certain there is someone more compatible for me”. While divorce sucks, no doubt, this individual was able to ward off any unnecessary or extra feelings regarding her divorce. You can also see with the second individual, there was no Mind Reading or distorted thinking. What we tell ourselves or think, influences how we feel, which then influences how we behave. 

 

Now, there is the social behavior of reading a room. This is useful and allows us to get a feel for an environment based on some objective cues. For instance, your best friend’s dog has died, and you come to her house with your dog. Your best friend looks sad. You can probably infer she is missing her dog or that she is sad. This is useful and will allow you to express empathy and compassion. Mind Reading in overdrive, however, is not helpful and can even be paralyzing.

 

Now that you are aware of Mind Reading, let’s talk about ways to redirect it. Notice we want to redirect vs eliminate. Thought distortions happen and it is not realistic to expect them to never happen. What we do want, however, is for distorted thinking to be minimal and easily redirected. Acknowledging the Mind Reading behavior is the first step. 

 

From there, challenge your thought. The thing about thought distortions is they are irrational and based off little evidence, just feelings. Therefore, we want to challenge and look for proof. Let’s take the example mentioned above, “everyone else got their invitation to the party on Tuesday, but I didn’t get mine until Friday. She probably wasn’t going to invite me but someone she really wanted to be there couldn’t make it so she figured I could come”. There are many parts to challenge. We can start by using the phrase, “show me the evidence”. This phrase allows us to enter fact mode and cross examine irrational feelings. One would say, “show me the evidence everyone received their invitation on Tuesday” as well as “show me the evidence I’m the only one who got theirs on Friday”. You can continue with “show me the evidence she wasn’t going to invite me” and so on to “show me the evidence someone she really wanted to be there couldn’t make it”. So many things to challenge in this scenario. For simplicity’s sake, we will stick with just one of these challenges within the scenario regarding everyone getting their invitation on Tuesday. 

 

Mindful Self: Show me the evidence everyone received their invitation on Tuesday except for you.

Self: Well, my other friends got theirs on Tuesday. 

Mindful Self: Show me the evidence everyone else did too, except for you.

Self: Well, no one else got theirs on Friday. 

Mindful Self: Show me the evidence you have her whole guest list and asked everyone on the list which day they received theirs. What evidence do you have that you getting yours on a Friday means you were not originally on the list. 

Self: Well, it just seems that way to me. 

Mindful Self: Ok, so no proof, just subjective thinking. Case closed. 

 

This subjective and irrational thinking might be stemming from a prior or childhood experience that created a particular belief within you. Maybe as a child you were the only kid not invited to a party. That really sucks. And now as an adult, you have told yourself that is happening again, though there is no proof. Therefore, we want to challenge our thinking and find evidence to support our thoughts. 

 

Once you have challenged and cross examined your distorted thoughts and have found no evidence, you can rest your case. Really ask yourself if mind reading was useful in the situation. It likely was not. One statement you can say to yourself is “No, I tell myself” when redirecting distorted thoughts. That statement separates fact from distortion. 

 

Self: She did not want me at the party.

Mindful Self: No, I tell myself she did not want me at the party because I have no evidence to support this. 

 

The phrase, “No, I tell myself” is a way to rest your case.

 

Lastly, let’s say you find evidence to support your thought. For example, the thought is “everyone is looking at my outfit because they think it is ugly”. After cross examination of your thoughts, you have evidence.

 

Mindful Self: I overheard a couple of girls in the bathroom specifically say my outfit was ugly. 

 

Well alright. First, we can still challenge that everyone thinks your outfit is ugly. Everyone is a lot of people, so this is unlikely. However, given you have evidence, it is not Mind Reading. It is factual and an objective piece of information. The question at large regarding this fact is what this information means to you. It says more about them than it does about you. You might be surprised that you are content with having this evidence, even though one would not say it was a positive situation. You might feel content because you know, and you are not having to sit with the uncertainty of Mind Reading and wondering. 

 

As we conclude, Mind Reading is a thought distortion and quite common. The first step to minimize Mind Reading and its affects is to recognize when we are doing it. Next, we want to challenge our thoughts by finding the evidence. If we find no evidence, we rest our case and remind ourselves “No, I Tell Myself”. If there ever is evidence, then it is no longer Mind Reading, and you very well may find comfort in having certainty. 

 

The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.