Stop Should’ing Yourself
At any given time, we can identify something we should be doing. We have created a list of tasks that we feel would help us accomplish a certain standard of life. Throughout the day we remind ourselves of these tasks by stating “I should…”. Truth is, telling ourselves “I should…” doesn’t typically create productivity. It creates a running narrative in our head of all the things we need to do and are not doing. Think about all the times you have said, “I should get up and exercise”. Did you actually get up and exercise? Probably not.
Should statements are considered thought distortions. Thought distortions are irrational ways of thinking. We all display thought distortions, however, when in overdrive our mood and behaviors are negatively affected, and this is problematic. Our thoughts impact our emotions which impacts our behaviors. Therefore, we want to reframe or eliminate faulty thinking.
The word “should” implies that whatever we are currently doing is not enough or right. Imagine sitting on the couch watching TV while having repeated thoughts “I should be studying” or “I should go do laundry”. Ultimately, you are telling yourself that watching TV on the couch is not the right thing to do right now. However, despite “should’ing” yourself, you do not leave the sofa. You do not leave the sofa, and “should” thoughts continue. Now enters the shame and negative self-talk about why you just cannot do whatever you are telling yourself you should be doing. By now, any ounce of motivation that once existed is extinguished by the shame. It’s a vicious cycle with a poor outcome. And the added unhealthy bonus is you cannot even enjoy just laying on the sofa.
Should points out an expectation over our lives that we are not meeting. Constantly telling yourself what you should be doing begins to create a set of expectations for yourself that may not be realistic. We therefore set ourselves up for failure.
Using “should” pits our should self against our actual self. Therefore, our actual self is constantly striving to be the person we feel we should be. This does not mean we cannot go be all we can be. It does mean however, we can honor who we currently are and aim to achieve goals. Our aiming does not have to include shaming and should’ing. For instance, telling yourself “I should be partner at my job by now” creates conflict between who we are right now and who we feel we should be. The current self is once again shamed and is a failure in comparison to the should illusion.
We are not motivated by “should”. In fact, it ultimately has the opposite effect and as mentioned, creates guilt and shame which leads us to do nothing. Should speaks louder to what we are not doing than what we want to do. By telling ourselves “I should be exercising instead of watching TV”, the underlying narrative in our head is “I’m not exercising. I’m not exercising.” Now we have opened the flood gates to guilt and shame and our efficacy begins to decrease. Welp, there goes exercising. However, the feelings of guilt and shame linger.
Instead of should’ing yourself to accomplish tasks, try challenging your “should”. We all have things we believe we should be doing. However, some tasks have no personal meaning to us. This automatically decreases the likelihood of accomplishing the tasks. Simply ask yourself “why” or “says who” the next time you “should” yourself. This will help you determine how meaningful your should is as well as put it in perspective. Let’s look at this internal dialogue as an example.
Self: I should get another degree.
Mindful Self: Why?
Self: Because everyone else is getting multiple degrees so it seems like the thing to do.
Mindful Self: Will another degree increase your income or job performance.
Self: No.
Mindful Self: Is there a meaningful reason to get another degree?
Self: Nope. Just seems like something I can and should do.
Based on this scenario, the individual will likely never “find the time” to enroll in school or they will procrastinate. Returning to school just is not as meaningful as they think it is. If this individual does return to school and earns another degree, their satisfaction for the accomplishment may be less than expected.
Once you determine your should is reasonable, replace “should” with “I’d like to”. The phrase “I’d like to” lowers the stakes and feels less punitive. It is a simple reframe that allows us to be gentler with ourselves. This phrase is stated positively instead of emphasizing what we are not doing. So instead of telling yourself, “I should be able to run three miles”, try “I’d like to run three miles”. The former is an expectation that we may or may not be able to meet. If this expectation is unmet, we will feel disappointed. The latter is a goal or desire that we can be hopeful about and work towards.
If you notice your days are filled with should statements, then it might be worth processing why that is so. Are you desiring a life that seems perfect and telling yourself what you should be doing to achieve it? If this is the case, you will not achieve those shoulds because they are not meaningful to your authentic self. And if you by happen chance do accomplish some of those perfect life shoulds, the accomplishment will not feel as satisfying as you imagined because it is not inspired by your authentic self. This is an opportunity to identify the desires of your authentic self, which will likely have very few “I should” statements because you are naturally doing and being instead of should’ing. Are you not motivated to complete necessary tasks that are meaningful and reasonable? This is an opportunity to explore other barriers to completing these tasks. As always, if you cannot resolve challenges and barriers on your own, please seek counseling with a professional.
The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.