Everything’s Toxic

Toxic. This word has gained a lot of traction over the last couple of years. The definition of toxic is poisonous; very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way (i.e., a toxic relationship); denoting or relating to debt that has a high risk of default (i.e., toxic debts). I most often hear this term being used to describe interpersonal relationships and work culture or environment. Friends or romantic partners may be described as toxic. A work manager or familial relationship may also be deemed toxic. This is a very real phenomenon, ‘toxicity’. It’s wonderful we can acknowledge relationships in our lives that are damaging. I encourage us all to keep discerning toxic areas in our lives.

 

There are times, however, when the label ‘toxic’ may be overused or incorrectly used. Yes, toxicity can be subjective and there is not one universal standard of toxicity. And yes, you can label anything you want toxic. However, this term is being used in excess to describe situations or relationships that cause discomfort. The situation or relationship may be stressful or difficult. Therefore, maybe we can just term it as such, stressful or difficult. Because toxicity is so harmful, when we label something as toxic, we are suggesting it has no place in our lives and is intolerable. The problem arises when we label ordinary stressors as toxic, which can lead to us avoiding circumstances that trigger these stressors. Also, when we cannot avoid stressors that we have labeled ‘toxic’, we can feel defeated or hopeless when confronted with these stressors.

 

For instance, a stressful workday can lead anyone to feel frustrated or even question their career. When feeling vulnerable, we may refer to the job as toxic because it has stressed us out. Let’s challenge that thought; is the job actually toxic or is the stress uncomfortable and maybe feels unmanageable. What may feel toxic is the discomfort of having to sit with feeling stressed. Because we so want to rid ourselves of the discomfort, we act. We call the job toxic, which means “I don’t have to put up with it [the job]”. Now we have justified taking the day off, giving minimal effort at work, or even resigning. Afterall, we can’t have toxicity in our lives and if something is toxic, we are well within our rights to get rid of it.

 

So, we get to our next job, and the stress is high. Familiar feelings start to rise. Yep, this job too is toxic. You know how the rest goes. The same goes for relationships. Let’s say with one of your friendships, your girlfriend has a sense of humor that personally offends you. You have been friends with her since the 5th grade. However, now you feel the relationship has become toxic and you need to cut her off. Let’s challenge that trail of thinking; would you truly deem the entirety of the relationship toxic, or do the jokes offend you? Does your friend’s sense of humor create pervasive harm in your life? Or do you just not like her jokes and how they make you feel? Internally, a new set of rules come into play when something is labeled toxic. Therefore, it is helpful to identify exactly what it is that is distressing vs labeling it all as toxic.

 

In romantic relationships, your partner will likely irritate you from time to time. They may trigger your insecurities without intention or harm. It is very easy to label something toxic when we feel exposed and triggered. Calling something toxic is almost like a safe word such as ‘pineapples’. It creates a strong note to self that we will not tolerate something. Again, if a situation or relationship is toxic, then we absolutely should not tolerate it. We just want to be sure we are discerning toxicity from stress or discomfort and not using the label toxic as a means to avoid stressors.

 

When discerning if a situation is toxic or stressful, try to be objective and look for themes and trends. If one day a month at work or even once a week is stressful, it may not warrant the toxic label. If more days than not are stressful and there is little support from management or even disregard, this has been ongoing and it is having negative consequences in your day-to-day functioning, then it may be toxic. Sometimes also, it is easier to label something toxic instead of setting a boundary. Assigning the toxic label gives us permission to avoid and retreat from the stressor. So now we enter into avoidance as a coping skill, which is not helpful.

 

Before labeling something toxic, discern using these steps:

 

Can you define the problem? Identify the behavior, environment, or situation that is problematic for you. This is very important for the next steps that follow. If the observation from this step is egregious, the next steps may be obsolete. For instance, if your romantic partner tries to intimidate you and becomes physically aggressive. That is toxic and further discernment is not needed. If you feel stressed at work, try defining the problem a bit more. It eventually may be defined as being poorly trained and now feeling inadequate to do the job. Based on this first step alone, this does not equate to toxicity. Be as specific as possible, as it makes it easier to state our needs.

 

Did you confront the stressor or situation? If you have not addressed the problem with all involved parties, it is recommended you do so as a second step. This should only be done in circumstances where you deem it safe and there is no egregious problem such as violence and intimidation from others. With the work scenario above, this would mean speaking with your manager about not being trained as extensively as desired. Hence, why it is important to specifically define the problem so that you can clearly communicate it. With your close girlfriend, it means communicating with her how her jokes are problematic for you.

 

Did you set a boundary or communicate your terms? After defining the problem internally, then communicating the problem to all parties involved, it is time to set a boundary. This means stating what you need or would like moving forward. This could be telling your girlfriend “Please do not joke about my relationship, that’s a very sensitive topic for me” or to your manager at work, “I like to excel and currently I am not equipped to succeed. I need more training before I can take on more projects so that I can do the job to fidelity”.

 

Reevaluate. After communicating your boundary or terms, reevaluate the situation or relationship. If your girlfriend continues to make fun of your relationship after you have expressed your feelings about it, reevaluation of the relationship may be needed. Even so, try to look at the total picture. If the act is more so annoying than harmful, discern if her sense of humor about your partner is worth ending the friendship. If your manager agrees more training would be helpful and puts it in place, toxic would likely not be used to describe the work environment.

 

If you find the distress you feel is more upsetting than the actual trigger, self-soothing techniques that promote distress tolerance is helpful. This would include positive affirmations (i.e., ‘this is good for me’), acceptance of reality skills, and radical acceptance to name a few. If you observe you are avoiding confronting parties involved with the problem, then building assertiveness skills would be helpful. It would seem unfair to label someone or something as toxic without expressing your grievances, unless of course, the trigger was egregious or harmful. Once you express your feelings to the person and

 

communicate your limits, hopefully they will oblige. There will be times when the individual will not. Their behavior says more about them than you. This makes it very easy to discern.

 

Toxicity does not have a place in your life. Stressors, however, are a constant. How we tolerate the stressors and perceive them is most important. Let’s refrain from using labels until we have defined our grievance, communicated the grievance, set a limit or boundary, and then reevaluated the relationship or situation.

 

 

The content on this website is not intended to diagnose or treat, it is for informational purposes only. Please call our office at 404-618-1040 for an appointment or contact a mental health professional in your local area if you are seeking treatment.